I find myself unable to write anything longer than a short at the moment. My focus constantly drifts, and when I do somehow manage to cram my thoughts into a container, I find the volume of work inside it overwhelming.

With a short, the process goes from idea to completion in a few days. There’s no room in there for my head to get in the way.

Day 1: Beat it out.

Day 2: Polish the beats.

Day 3: Write a half the beats.

Day 4: Wake up and think “shit, I’ve already done half of it, may as well finish it today”. Procrastinate.

Day 5: Finish it.

Day 6: Get frustrated that there’s no money in shorts.

At no point is my stupid brain fucking up the process. By the time my head catches up to the work it’s out the door and off to someone else. If I delay anywhere along the process, I may disappear up my own self-involved ass - but with a short the process is so rapid it’s done and dusted before I’m conscious.

When I’m not writing shorts, I’m just buffering between ideas and judgements of non-existent work. I’m evaluating words that aren’t yet on the page, or tackling feedback that hasn’t been given for concepts that haven’t even hit the page. Features and plays need to pupate in a cocoon of thought (at least in my head) and currently, I’m a ditsy mayfly bouncing off window panes.

I just don’t seem to be able to produce content that requires consistent, concerted effort beyond a few days at the moment, and it’s Tearing Me Apart, Lisa. Accountability or writing groups won’t help because ultimately I don’t respect the consequences of not delivering to those people. If i say I’ll send pages then don’t - what happens? NOTHING. When I was writing games, if I didn’t deliver content then I not only ran the risk of getting fired, I also impacted the quality of life for a whole team and the guilt would overwhelm me. I was told what to do and when it was needed by, and that was my gospel. As a freelance, by ultimate boss is my lazy, undisciplined brain.

So, I’m going to try getting myself a new boss. You. I’m going to start exposing my writing process, every aspect of it, every day, here. I am going to post pages so you will see the TV show, feature, play, or short as they come out of me. I’ll put it all up online as it develops day by day (or not if I fail to execute). I’m doing this to try and get this page of my life to finally fucking LOAD, because right now I’m stuck at 56k and it’s driving me nuts. I have so many great ideas and half finished pieces but it is meaningless if I don’t finish the work.

Michael Schilf, the creator of the wonderful resource TheScriptLab.com (sadly, now gone) once told me that we will have hundreds, thousands of ideas in our creative lives. If we are lucky, we will get to see a handful of them make it to production in any meaningful way. That leaves the rest of them unseen and unheard - so why hold on to them like they are gold? Don’t fear giving them away. Don’t fear people stealing them, don’t fear telling people your ideas.

So I’m putting my work out there, not just to try and lubricate the gears in my clogged up mind, but to prove to myself I do not fear my work being seen and read.

I’m not sure how I’m going to present the work yet as I don’t fully understand Substack - but I suppose that work starts now.

Time to stop buffering…

Buffering...